a deeper well

*nauset beach, our little stretch of sand

we’re more than halfway through the year and I’m taking inventory. I just looked back at my “year compass” - an intention setting tool I use for the upcoming year - and I have a lot of love and compassion for the woman who wrote it. and also. I feel misaligned with my own striving. the ambition. the dreams I set out to manifest into reality that at this point, I’m not sure will come into reality on the timeline I set forth. and yet.

and yet, I feel like I have come so far this year. last week I cried in therapy with pride for how far I’ve come and the fact that I’m still here. still doing the work. excavating the wounds deep within my heart and stitching them up. healing them with soft kisses.

I still want the same things I desired at the start of the year, but I’ve let go of the timeline. I trust these things will happen in their own time and that when I need the courage to leap, I’ll have it.

when I measure what matters, this year has been an important one on the journey.

my marriage

my marriage is the bedrock of my life and this year chris and I have really put in the work. some things are too sacred to write about on the internet, so I’ll give you the short version. our love is stronger than ever. and 15 years in, we are STILL learning how to communicate with each other in a way that is loving and respectful and keeps the most tender parts of each of us safe. towards the end of 2024 we had a major conversation around boundaries and 2025 has probably been one of the best years of our marriage as a result. I love everything about chris and I am still learning how to love him well. he continues to let me grow and change and I think that is really important in a marriage.

our children

parker and grace have grown a lot this year and all I want is more time with them. we’ve been able to take 2 family vacations so far and I’m about to have a bonus staycation week with them at the end of the summer. I dream of some day being able to take more time off with them in the summer so we can soak it up - time is going by too fast. grace is going to middle school in the fall and I am steadying myself to step into this unknown phase of parenting. my intention for this year is to plan more little adventures for the two of us and not get quite so swept up in the hockey season for parker. on the flip side of that, parker is on a new hockey team which means new friendships to nurture and new parents to meet.

my friendships

this year I’ve deepened relationships with my friends here in a really meaningful way. we’ve vacation together (on our first family skiing trip to mount sunapee and to the outer banks) and intertwined the lives of our families. we’ve taken long walks, breathed in cold water, shared countless meals, and faced tough conversations about our values and boundaries. I’ve met new friends (on retreat) and nurtured old friendships in a way I feel proud of.

health

my north star value. I consistently move my body every day. I get on my yoga mat as much as I can right now. my nutrition…could use work.

I’m getting to an age where no news is good news in this area and I’m grateful for a body that can move through the world with ease and without pain.

growth

the retreat I attended in panama probably propelled the most personal growth I’ve experienced so far this year. I healed deeply wounded parts of myself there. and I’m still doing work with protector parts (had a huge breakthrough with one last week). if you have the privilege of getting out of your comfort zone to do something as transformative as taking a weeklong international trip without knowing anyone…I highly recommend it. the memory of sansara still inspires me in my day to day.

I took a meaningful course called “the sober life” through TLC that stretched my emotional sobriety. we met twice weekly over the course of five months and: learned adult development theory, took a personality assessment to gain new insights, explored our values and core beliefs, did many embodiment exercises, learned more about core emotions like shame, grief, anger and joy, deepened our understanding of boundaries, learned about non-violent communication and wrote a personal mission statement. this type of coursework has been immensely valuable to supporting my intellectual curiosity and self-inquiry.

I also got my Y12SR certification to become a peer support guide teaching yoga for addiction recovery.

AND I’ve read 12 great books so far this year. I’ve been trying to add in more fiction and I’m on my third novel of the summer.

career

I’ve successfully navigated a huge career pivot into a role that reports through our people team focused on “change and transformation”. which feels ironic or…full of symbolism somehow. in this role I am helping our organization navigate through change with clear communications, cultivating resilience in our employee population and partnering with our leadership team to get stronger in this area. it’s messy and plays to my strengths and feels like its work that really matters.

on the yoga side of things, my little yoga business has achieved more than I’ve been giving myself credit for. I led a powerful 40-day for 15 women at the start of the year. I’ve consistently taught my one studio class a week. in the spring I hosted a 5-week series for teen athletes. I am hosting my first yoga retreat in september (there’s one room still available).

finances

this is always my weakest area, but there are some bright spots here. we’ve saved a rainy day fund for the first time in our adult lives. I have never had an emergency savings account (!!) and we finally have one. chris’ business is thriving and I am grateful for my consistent paycheck so we can live the life we want (which as it turns out, is pretty expensive), save for the future, and I can continue to invest in my growth (I’ve already booked my own 2026 retreat - patagonia!).

my budget (just like my diet) could use work. nobody’s perfect.

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when I reflect on all that I can objectively recognize, that’s a lot to be proud of.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

but I put a lot of pressure on myself when I wrote my goals for the year and there are several areas where I will fall short.

I’m grateful for my ambition. though I can feel the source of it shifting.

I’ve been reading “the pivot year” by brianna wiest each morning and feel like I have been setting myself up for a dramatic shift. maybe it already happened and I just can’t see it. I feel a lot more free. it’s subtle, but it’s there.

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yesterday morning I went to a 6am hot yoga class in the studio where I teach and practice. my mat was placed behind a woman about my age who was visiting the studio for the first time. she had a home practice, but hadn’t been in a studio in 7 years. she has two kids - 4 and 6. the look of gratitude on her face after class was such a humble reminder of what a privilege it is to practice in that small, hot room, in community.

since then, I’ve been reflecting about how it wasn’t until parker was 1 and grace was 3 that I started sporadically taking studio classes at the yoga shop in 2017. and it would be another 5 years from those “once every once in a while classes”…usually in west hartford on sunday evenings…until I started practicing with any consistency.

that tiny little seed was planted and it took it 5 years to take hold before it bloomed - turning into my first 40 day in 2022 (which has turned into 3.5 years of sobriety), my 200hr YTT (which helped me uncover my authentic self and inspired our move to cape cod), followed by my 300hr YTT (which led to growth that is still unfurling itself).

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good things take time.